Class yesterday....

So, I have a few things to do before I gradutate. One being, going to Mexico for a week. I was going to opt out of this part of the program if "my first choice" would have taken hold, but well, I'm back in. Yesterday we had 6 hours of class. Dutifully my professors loaded on a bunch more homework.

AAAAAAAHHHH! April is starting to feel like November.

moving.....

Two things happened in my moving forward week.
First, I was forced to attend Horizonte', this week as part of one of my last classes. I went kicking and screaming and feeling sorry for myself.

(When I arrived, I swear i spotted "my babies daddy" times ten.)

This school is an aternative high school in Salt Lake district. The student population consists of babies having babies (I saw a 12 year old) (I thought about posting a flyer). Babies that have become mothers, who are tending their babies while thay continue on in high school. 7-11th gaders who "may have had, done, or knew about a lot of bad stuff. Finally, adults who are trying to improve their lives and find a way to survive in this complicated place called the USA. I had the opportunity to observe and tutor in an adult, level 2 (not very high) adult ELL class. There where people represented from at least 10 different countries.
I don't know why but it spoke to me. I could do this. I would like to do this. I find real value in doing this.
One man, was so humble, and appreciative as we practiced writing a capital A. I felt a new focus maybe coming on. I bonded.( I cried several times during my stay, not specifically about my babe, but about the situations of so many)I really might consider working at this school in a few years.

Thing two:
I freakin (I hate that word) but I freakin, worked on my final homework project for at least 10 hours today. I have written nothing since she left. It felt so good. I am going to do this thing. In one month I will graduate - with a Masters degree.

I can feel myself coming back. My little Annie calls me mother all day - never mom, or mommy, but a formal mother - i love it.
I need to shift my direction and direct my mind where it needs to go. I am feeling better.
I have asked for pictures of Mia. I need pictures - just to see her. I am pulling to find all the beauty and blessings that I know I already have.

It is all getting better.

The call came today......

Mia will be staying with her birthfather.
I have been struggling for two weeks.
I'm really glad I have those two weeks under my belt.
They were horrible.
I am more than sad.
Heartbroken.
I really loved her.
So did Wayne and the kids.
I loved that the kids loved her.
Grandma did too.
So did my sisters.
Grandma had a special sleeping spot for her.
Grandy came helped us for three weeks.
Wayne was so good to me.
Through the whole thing.
I've wanted another baby for awhile.
I don't know why.
I just have. thats it. I just have.
It doesn't make much sense, I know.
I could go into my 3 years of trying.
But I won't.
We met Emilee.
We prayed about what to do.
She arrived.
Then I couldn't imagine anything more perfect.
Than keeping her here with us.
It isn't to be.
I have prayed that Heavenly Father will watch over her.
He will.
In my heart, I'll never give up.
In my life, I have to get better and move forward.
I have so many blessings.
And children.
They need me.
I'll be crying for several days.
And then I hope to start feeling better.
And be happy.
I will.
Thank you.
For Everything.
The thoughts.
The dinners.
The prayers.
The phone calls and emails and gifts. (I always said no gifts - he he)
The all around love and support.
I think - you may have loved her a little too.
Thank you.
So much.
With.
Love.
Libbi

Today.......

I am home, wondering what to do with myself.
I have plenty of things.
But once again, borrowing the words of my sister, I'm calling a snow day.
Although - it is sunny and beautiful outside.

After reading yesterday's beautiful post by Laura, and knowing that I am in a bit of a predicament myself......
I happened to read this blog, first thing today.....
http://amynelson.typepad.com/the_way_we_were/
also...read the comments.


I really should be in celebratory mode today - I finished with my student teaching Yeah!
I will graduate April 29th with my Master's in Teaching. Yeah...again!
My full year of solid homework is coming to an end.

Annie is thrilled!

I'm borrowing this word from my sister.......

Angst.
That is what I'm feeling right now - "mother angst".

Most people know Mia is gone to St.Louis.
My heart is broken.
I'm scared for her and sooooo sad.

But - I chose to take this little baby girl into my heart.
I'm so glad I did.
I love her.

I also love Wayne....
and Samson,and Ryan, and Olivia, and Isaac, and my Annie.
They...... are all okay.

I....am not okay - but I'm working on it.

Thank you for giving me your comfort.
Love and thanks to Grandma and Grandy.
I have good people all around.